I went to a wedding. I felt happy, calm and comfortable surrounded by family. I let down my shields, I opened myself up and was able to push any of my normal little fears or anxieties about being in a social situation away. It was a beautiful venue, I was taking pictures of my family, chatting and going with the flow. Then I got triggered and went into full fight or flight mode. I made a loud angry threat of physical harm to the person I blamed for the situation. I heard family members around me saying “just let it go”. I tried, it was time to go sit down for the actual ceremony and I was standing there clutching a shawl to my stomach trying to stabilize myself, get control of my emotions. I felt like I was all alone, I could hear people around me, I could hear them telling me to let it go but it was like they were far away. I was finally able to get enough control that I knew I had to leave, I could not trust myself to stay. I got the keys to the rental car and I left. I went to the car, got in and collapsed crying. I didn’t have my journal to write in for processing so I tried to record in messages but that didn’t work. I finally downloaded an app to be able to record messages so I could process. I knew as I sat curled up in the back seat that I would regret missing the wedding.
When the wedding was over, I was triggered again by the lack of support from others I thought would understand and be there for me. One of them told me they didn’t think I had a panic attack that I was really in a dry drunk. I have been sober for 40 yrs. (my AA birthday was the following day).
The following day while others went out to do things together I stayed at the motel and started processing. When asked about my plans I said I was staying away from people. I still did not trust myself, I was wound very tight and trying to sort through what I was feeling.
It has taken me weeks of wading through the guilt, anger and shame to identify what about the situation actually triggered me and why. I now know what I need to heal within myself.
I know for me this is the process I need to go through for healing to begin. It is not about rehashing the past to justify my actions, it is about digging out the old festering hurts and healing them.
My tiggers in this situation were being unfairly judge, having unwarranted anger directed at me and feeling completely alone. I believe the emotional wounds that need to be healed are from a three year period (11 – 14) when my whole world was turned upside down and when everything I had been taught about life was thrown away. During that time:
- I was entering puberty,
- my parents broke up,
- we quit going to church,
- mother had custody for awhile, then dad came back and she left,
- my oldest brother died,
- my dad got remarried and I got 3 new brothers.
- My best friends at that time said they couldn’t be friends with me anymore because their mom’s told them it was bad for me to be living with my dad and no mom.
- A lady from the church told my dad in front of me and my soon to be step-mother that god had killed my brother as message to him and my mother that they needed to get back together.
- My last interaction with my 17 yr old brother was a shouting match.
These are the surface facts that I have been telling people for years, but I have never processed them to forgive myself, my parents and other adults as an adult. I have blocked so much from that time, I don’t even have the timelines straight in my head. That is the work I have to do so I can understand what really happened to heal my adolescent self.
This was not known during my adolescence:
Trauma during adolescence, a critical period for brain development, can lead to severe, long-term emotional, behavioral, and physical issues. Key impacts include increased risks of PTSD, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and self-harm, often resulting from damaged self-regulation and chronic stress. These effects can disrupt social relationships and academic performance, extending into adulthood.
National Institutes of Health (.gov) +4
BE FOR KIDS 