I drove into the parking lot of an automobile dealership a while back when I was looking for where I could get my vehicles software upgraded. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable and like I needed to get away from their as fast as I could. I drove off quickly. As I was driving home I tried to figure out why that had happened. Obviously, my survival mode kicked in and told me to flee, but at first I wasn’t sure why. I started reviewing memories in my mind about car dealership interactions and realized it was because of some very unpleasant interactions with dealerships in the past.
I did some deep digging and did some honest analysis and was a really surprised when I realized that feelings of helplessness or powerlessness are my primary state of being. These feelings are and have been the underlying cause of of my anger, fear, anxiety and deteriorating physical health.
Times I felt powerless:
In the last ten years I have had several events that caused severe anguish because I felt so totally powerless and helpless against systems that were not logical, compassionate or caring.
In 2016 when my husband was kicked off of hospice by a brand new doctor despite his team telling her he was deteriorating. I am still working to let go of the rage, fear and feelings of helplessness I felt. Hospice is supposed to help a person die with grace and allow family to spend quality time with them in the end. I was frantic to make sure he had the care he needed and exploded in anger many times during his final weeks, which I regret.
Working in a Youth Behavioural Health residential facility the feelings of helplessness, powerlessness popped up every time I saw a child being mistreated or ignored by staff. I would feel the rage, fear and anxiety welling up and felt like I was going to explode.
When trying to visit a young family member in prison and was denied because I wasn’t immediate family and only immediate family could visit on the weekends. This was not a rule posted anywhere. It didn’t matter that I was the only family supporting him and that no immediate family had even applied to visit him. I left crying, denying being helpless and determined to “get even”, make changes, fix the system.
I wanted to fight for the children caught up in an uncaring system that continued to traumatize them everyday. I wanted to fight for the traumatized abused children who needed mental health care but instead were thrown in prison at 18 when they finally blew up and did something stupid. I tried to fight for them only to find out that most people did not want to know.
Out of sight, out of mind!
People would express horror at what I would tell them about what I witnessed first hand, but then say “there is nothing I can do about it”.
I feel like the system has so brainwashed people into believing they are powerless, so many won’t even try.
Digging into the regulations and laws to find a way to get change started I discovered that most of the elected officials didn’t even know what department the Youth Behavioural Health Residential treatment centers were under. The system had effectively erased these “throw away” kids.
Listening to elected officials disdain for voters or anyone who had a different opinion instead of representing those people increased the feeling of helplessness.
My inner child was throwing temper tantrums, feelings of never being listened to were welling up increasing the feelings of helplessness, powerlessness and rage.
I have never considered myself a quitter but my health deteriorated, my fear and anxiety grew along with my feelings of being totally helpless and powerless.
Healing
I was defeated. I surrendered and instead of fighting I fled and now I am spending my time understanding myself, understanding my reactions and healing. I am healing by facing my childhood trauma not so I can be a victim but so I can move past it. Understanding why I react the way I do helps me to correct my thinking and develop ways to react differently.
I am discovering things in my childhood that have impacted my entire life without me even knowing it. Not necessarily bad things but beliefs and judgements I accepted and never questioned, that when I did question them did not stand up to facts I know today.
Letting those beliefs and judgments go and constantly checking where “pop up” judgemental thoughts come from is how I am able to start moving forward again.
From a political aspect
I know that if good people would take off the blinders, look at what was happening to children all over the country they could change it.
They could change it by demanding lawmakers change the law and by voting for people who cared, not the one with the most money for campaigns.
But it is complicated and many people don’t have the time to wade through the confusing and conflicting data to check some facts so they can vote intelligently (and some don’t care enough).
BE FOR KIDS 